One of the biggest issues I see with men either in the midst of divorce or facing a failed marriage…especially one that involved a lot of toxicity.
Is the STORY they are telling themselves. When trauma hits us the first thing we do is search for meaning. Humans are storytellers. There is a constant dialogue of STORY happening in our minds. We use stories to interpret the world around us.
Think about the last time somebody cut you off while driving. You probably attached a MEANING through STORY to what happened. You tell yourself, “That guys a jerk! He’s just in a rush…PROBABLY because he’s late for work!” That story makes you feel better in some ways.
You feel justified in your anger. But, what if that wasn’t the TRUTH??
What if that guy was racing to his dying wife’s bedside? What if he just got the word she was badly injured in a car accident and the doctors didn’t know how much longer she would live?
Does that change the STORY you’re telling yourself about this “jerk”? If so, you’re not alone. Most of us are willing to change the story we tell ourselves with the more “facts” we have.
But, again, these FACTS can distort the TRUTH.
Here’s the real fact. While that guy may be in a rush to get to his wife, he still has a responsibility to drive carefully and not cause another accident. This is the same way we must view our emotionally abusive and toxic wives.
- She is treating you unjustly. But…there is NEVER an EXCUSE for ABUSE.
- She has childhood trauma and is ill-equipped to handle the pain in her life. So, empathy is needed. BUT…there is NEVER an EXCUSE for ABUSE.
- She still needs to be held accountable for how she treats you.
- AND…you need to be held accountable for HOW you respond to her.
At the end of the day, we are all flawed. Whether you’re trying to shoulder ALL of the blame or NONE of the blame, we both have a part to play in any relationship.
You have a choice. You can play the part of VICTIM or the VICTOR.
Victims enable abusive behavior (not in all situations like children or people with disabilities). They play the whiner, complainer, and no-action-taker. They are the first to tell everybody about how unfair their life is, but the first to shun responsibility.
But, VICTORS, disempower abusive behavior with clear boundaries. They don’t complain about the abuse, they take action to end it. They make commitments and they stick to it. They don’t make excuses for what is happening. They find a way to safely end it.
That’s the part you have to play.
Whether your relationship “makes it” or not, you will more than likely always have some relationship with this woman.
And, if thats the case, the part you have to play is that of either a VICTIM, who enables her, or VICTOR who changes the story and sets healthy boundaries.
So, which part are you gonna play…VICTIM or VICTOR??
Thanks,
Mark
PS – If you’re ready to start playing the part of VICTOR you should book a call with my Enrollment Advisor and he’ll hook you up with the clarity and direction you need to stop playing the VICTIM and start playing the VICTOR.
Click here to book a time —> https://go.oncehub.com/empoweredman